making lemonade

flight

it's happening to me.

i can feel the inbetween-ness taking over.

i am months away from making my debut to the world as a full-fledged degree-wielding human being. i live in this place of vacillating feelings between adulthood and adolescence. i live in a house with college graduates that have full time jobs and are responsible for themselves. and although i am the one writing the rent checks and calling the plumber, i still callmy mom when i need to buy hair spray or a jump drive to ask permission.

i can remember the confusion of life as a freshman. and even though my freshman year feels like a distant memory now,  i remember being there. i remember sitting on the steps of the library in the darkness of the early morning with my shoes off, just so i could feel the cold air burn my fingers and toes. i know now i wasn't ready for college at 18.

i'm a late bloomer, which is okay, it's fine. my college experience is one of those things that people say this to:

i wish i could go back and redo it differently, but i know that if it hadn't of happened this way i wouldn't be where i am today.

blah. sigh. we know.

i like where i am today. i do. but- i sense i will not be here much longer. life is an adventure, and the wilderness is calling my name. i don't know yet where i'm going, but the feeling of excitement i have when i think about life beyond these university walls makes me know i'm getting ready to go. it's like that feeling you get right before you dive off the high dive.

i'm almost ready to jump.

they don't even know.

some days are just bad. for no reason at all, or maybe lotsa reasons, once and a while you just have a bad day.

and darn it all if today wasn't just that day for me.

i lost one of my textbooks and had to go to class unprepared. i was super exhausted and i don't know why. i ate nothing but crap all day, and i wasted 4 hours watching TV and laying in bed when i had ONE THOUSAND things i needed to be doing.

FINALLY around 8pm i got my rear out of the house to grab a double shot of espresso and get to Tri Delta to do homework and have bible study. on my way to get a coffee i prayed to God about my day. i told Him how i felt slothful and gluttonous. i felt bad about myself. i felt fat and lazy.

after some french homework in the dining room it was time for our 9:10 bible study. it went really well, and i was already feeling better about my day. afterwards a couple of us were hanging out in the living room talking.

"you have a really nice body", said Samira, totally randomly.

"what the heck do you mean?!" i snorted back.  i've long reconciled myself to the fact that i do NOT have what most people would call a "nice body". i'm fluffy and jiggly. and on top of that i had eaten NOTHING but crap all day. i was fat and lazy! fat and lazy people don't have nice bodies!

Samira continued, ignoring my opposition. "i mean, you just do. you have a nice body. good proportions." 

not 10 minutes later i was talking with some more sisters in one of their suites.

allie came rushing in, "i have to go to the library, who wants to come?" she asked.

thank goodness she had said something, cause i had forgotten to print things off for a meeting tomorrow.

"i'll go!" i chimed, and together we left for McFarlin.

"what are you printing?" she asked me on the way there. i told her; agendas, a constitution for an organization i'm in, applications for membership, etc.

"YOU'RE SO INVOLVED HANNAH MILLER" she practically yelled it to me in true allie fashion.

and there, at Tri Delta, within only an hour of being there, my sisters turned my day completely around. i literally had felt fat and lazy. i felt horrible about myself for the choices i made today. BUT, my sisters were there to remind me that today is not every day, and they commented on the two EXACT emotions i had been feeling. i packed up my books from the dining room and as i left 6 girls wished me goodnight by name.

i left the house walking on air. i feel so loved, appreciated, welcomed there. those girls lift me up. they make me feel good about myself. i am incredibly blessed to have those amazing girls in my life.

they just don't even know how much they mean to me.

not ready for the set up

updates:

-alaska was PHENOMENAL, i will be returning.
-recruitment went splendidly. i'm more in love with tri delta than ever before.
-classes are going well, chugging along nicely into the semester. it won't be easy, but it won't be boring.

millers are late bloomers, we've decided. i'm hitting my stride about now-- as a 5th year senior, but it was worth the wait. i'm finding my place in the world, making plans for the future, thinking about my next new adventure, the people i'll meet, the places i'll be. i'm incredibly blessed to be back here again. the fall gives me a new sense of hope for each academic year. and while i don't want to leave, i anxiously await the time when i take off on my own for the next big adventure.

sometimes, when i'm riding my bike to campus, i just smile to myself and think of this quote:

"...it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment."

God has created such a beautiful world for us.  It makes my heart fill with joy.

i dunno but alaksa

pretty soon i'll be here:

trying to avoid running into these:

doing things like this:

while looking at this:

yay!