making lemonade

the ridiculousness has reached new levels.

living with your parents is hard for many, MANY reasons...but among them is a predominate one.

being single and living with your parents makes you feel EVEN MORE SINGLE.

for a couple reasons i think...
1. there is no way i would have a guy pick me up for a date at my parents house. omg, i shudder at the thought.
2. there is no way a guy would WANT to pick me up at my parents house.
3. if Potential Boy wanted to know where i lived, i would rather die then say "with my parents"

i mean, right now it's semi-legit. i'm a college student. it's the summer time. this is what we do.

in 2.5 weeks i will be back on campus in the sorority house, and all will be well.

i'm counting the days. lord help me till then.

you know what else makes you feel even more single? your best friend getting engaged.

sigh.

while i'm totally thrilled and happy at the thought of them being together (and TOTALLY BEYOND EXCITED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING OF A WEDDING, I LOVE WEDDINGS!), it's somewhat of a quarter life crisis for me. okay, okay, more like QLC 2.0, seeing as i pretty much have had one every year on my birthday since i became a 20 something. they pretty much go like this;

OMG, I'M IN MY EFFING TWENETIES!?!? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?? WHY ARE GUYS SUDDENLY "TOO YOUNG" FOR ME? WHY CAN'T I STILL GO TO THE PEDIATRICIAN WITH THE DINOSAUR WALLPAPER AND THE LOLLIPOPS?? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?! I'VE BEEN ALIVE FOR TWO DECADES!

my lovely and wonderful friends called me at midnight on my 20th birthday to find me crying in my bed. i wore black that day. a little ridiculous, no?

suffice to say the day after jess called me to tell me she was indeed engaged, i did something a little ridiculous.

please, like you're suprised. when am i not doing something ridiculous.

i went on a glorious shopping trip.

to tiffany & co.

and bought my fabulous self an "i'm not engaged" ring.

i was having an "i don't need no man","independant woman" moment.

it was a fantastic moment. i wore it proudly as if to say "screw you world, i'm fabulous"!

and now i'm eyeballing it because my tank is gettin' low and returning it would mean filling up my SUV.

who am i kidding?? i would NEVER return that thing, it's beautiful.

wow this post made me sound like a brat. okay, so maybe i am a little (read: a lot) spoiled. but it's okay cause i don't act like a brat, right?

RIGHT?

if we didn't have red necks...

Who would make us feel superior while on family outings like this?;

This weekend my family and our dear family friends went floating on Jacks Fork River.

It was very low-key and relaxing. We rented a cabin in Eminence, Missouri. It was right on the river.

Getting there was not too terribly far from the big city in which I currently reside, but I have found that it doesn’t matter how long the drive is when you’re stuck in the back of a mini van on 2 lane winding highway in Nowhere, Midwest.  Seriously, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it. Vom.

After we arrived in Eminence, population= my HS graduating class, we settled into our cabin.  It was “rustic”.

“Rustic” because the Monroe Miller form of camping consists of fully furnished living spaces with central cooling. BUT- the cabin didn’t have a garbage disposal.

Clearly we live right on the edge.

Not long after settling in we went out to the river. A theme started to emerge among the other tenants; lots of John Deere t-shirt and hats, LOTS of empty Budweiser cans, rat tails and loud blaring country music.

Consider us full-fledged members of the Red Neck Yacht Club.

We had a fully operation kitchen (sans garbage disposal, sigh) that we used to make breakfast the first morning before leaving to float. When it was discovered that the pan we had to use to make our scrambled eggs in had the Teflon coming off, there was a minor panic.  Our eggs cooked in a non-Teflon covered pan?? “WE’RE REALLY CAMPIN’ NOW!”

Really, it wasn’t that bad. Considering the water was crystal clear and beautiful and we had gorgeous weather planned for our float, I could get over the hicks whose “cruise vacation” was “cruising the river in my tube”.

To them this was a luxury vacation. To us it was roughin’ it.

We rented kayaks and a canoe and floated the beautiful Jacks Fork River on Sunday and it was really wonderful. Minus the river rats getting smashed on Blue Ribbon that we encountered ever couple of hours. And the FOURTEEN leeches that sucked my brother dry. Seriously Adam, why are you always getting into this kind of stuff??

Anyway, it was beautiful and I hope to return sometime soon with some friends.

Probably these ones. We've spend plenty of time acting like red necks. Let's put to use all our practice drinking warm 4 dollar champagne out of solo cups in the back of Kate's car to use. Time to shine, ladies.

Time to shine.

meme monday

miss sarah elizabeth over at jacks, yurman and bobbi brown tagged me to do meme monday.

the rules: list your favorite summer things for each of the 5 senses. then tag 5 friends!

taste: watermelon, arkansas tomatoes, iced tea & lemonade, giant pretzels at cardinals games, snow cones

touch: cool bodies of water, my sweet angel giving me kisses!, okay- pretty much any dog, air conditioning, jcrew flip flops

smell: smoke from a campfire/grill, a good cigar, ocean breezes, sun screen, crisp summery perfumes

see: blue skies, sunshine, large bodies of water, lightning, flowers blooming

hear: rushing water, waves lapping, a good summer playlist, cicadas, nothing at all :)

hey, well, here's the thing..., you're next!

don't read this, it's boring.

this whole week has been crazy, and busy, and crazy busy. and i have been a complete and utter space cadet and air head and all those other things people say you are when you temporarily lose your mind.

it's late people, cut me some slack.

i've left things behind that i was supposed to take and missed turns while driving and done other stupid things like put my underwear on inside out and forget to shampoo my hair or shave my right armpit while in the shower.

so basically i'm a space cadet with dirty hair and a hairy right armpit.

...and i wonder why i don't have a boyfriend.

anyway, the point of this post is that there is none. (on a side note, why are you still reading...?) i thought of a thousand things i wanted to say today about another borders adventure and a banner for my blog and my new bedding and an award i won but it's nearly 3am, i just got back from the dark knight (worth the 8 bucks just to see christian bale, holy moly.) and i'm getting up early to go to mac to take a workshop.

yup. i'm the loser in there on a saturday morning with her computer and her dorky glasses. that's me. say hi sometime. although since my brain isn't functioning properly recently it might be worthless to go.

after that class i'm leaving to go on a float trip, should be good.

point, HG, get to the POINT.

i'm not blogging anything fun cause i'm tired etc., and i'll be out of commission till next week (monday?), but then, then dear internet, i will post glorious pictures of the new wonderful things that have entered my life.

including but not limited to: christian bale.

so that's it for me. i'm super lame and so very sorry for this weird rambling post. hope you're doin something fun this weekend!

i'm a windows girl

always have been. not like i'm good at computer stuff (i'm soooo not...) but i feel somewhat of a loyalty to windows. that's weird, huh? don't answer that.

this laptop has given me nothing but lip all my life. always something.  despite my best efforts to be vigilant about updates and security and anything else it could possibly need, it has failed me again and again and again. like i've said before, i call it The Teenager, because i feel like i give it everything it needs and get nothing in return but a bratty unhelpful frustrating mess.

so why dear God why, am i sad that it's dying and leaving my life?? this stupid piece of junk that is always giving me trouble...contracting viruses and burning my wrists and not allowing me to use the SPACEBAR- i should be rejoicing! i should be throwing it out the window in celebration! warming myself by the flames of it's cracked and nasty interior burning in a fire! but i'm sad to see it go. that's weird, right? don't answer that.

last night i officially downloaded everything i want to save from it onto my external hard drive i have named Sophie. yes, i named my external hard drive. i name everything. is that weird? don't answer that.

tonight i will be making my way to the apple store to purchase my new macbook.

courtesy of this wonderful man;
thanks, grandpa. you're a snazzy dresser and i love ya.

although i'm slightly dreading changing operating systems, i feel that for my poor computer-retarded soul would fare so much better with a mac. and okay, plus they're prettier. and okay, plus they have a free class to teach windows converts how to use them. and okay, they come with a free ipod touch- which is going to save my life since my beloved ipod/car adaptor victoria-jane was stolen a few months ago. i told you i named everything. i told you. and i'm not even gonna ask you if you think that's weird because I KNOW WHAT YOU'LL SAY.

so pretty much it makes a whole heck of a lot more sense for me to go the apple route.  although i will miss my windows. but hey- macs are so cool i can run windows on it if i miss it that much!!

i've already thought of a couple names for the new compooper. i like joycelyn. and margaruite. but really i just have to wait and see what it's going to be like. i know it's weird. i know.

the downside- my computer now, The Teenager, is monogrammed in pink. yes- i monogrammed my laptop. what, like you're surprised? please. i'll attempt to transfer that over. or get one of these...

what's that world? you think i could do BOTH? yes, yes you're right. pink cover, green monogram. or, green cover, pink monogram! i like the way you think, world. i like the way you think.

i prefer the term "voluptuous"

I knew this day would come. 

All my life I knew. I heard people talk about it behind closed doors, under their breath, in whispered voices. The horror that is;

The slowing of one’s metabolism.

Sorry to scare you people, but I’ve seen the ghost. The time is gone where I could easily pick up an extra 500 calories a day and lose weight. The days when I didn’t care what went in my mouth. The late nights driving through someplace awful(ly good) to satiate some drunken desire for fried anything.

In the distant, DISTANT past, those days.

We could really explore why I have…ehem…”filled out” my jeans a little bit more these past few years, but let’s not. Let’s not because we all know why; it basically comes down to this;

I ate crap.
I didn’t work out.

That’s pretty much it. But then, after doing that for a while, I did this;

I crash dieted.
I gained it all back, plus more.
I repeated that cycle.

Yeah. Go me.

Now why, dear internet, am I telling this to you? Why am I exploiting my tremendous fault?  Why am I retelling the horror of my 20 something metabolism not being able to keep up with my crap-full calorie-filled diet and my utter failure to control those drunken nights at Taco Bueno for all the world to see?

Because you, lovely and wonderful internet, are going to hold me accountable.

I have tried many, many times to shed this “winter warmth”, but failed. My main problem is patience- or the lack of it. I like to eat like a rabbit for about 2 weeks, lose 15 pounds, then eat a carb and gain 20 back. It’s become like a hobby of mine, really.  

So my goal this time is to just eat right. And eat less. And work out. And not to the point where it’s unbearable and I give up and fall into a tub of ice cream, but still to the point where I can safely lose the weight and keep it off.

Which is like the American Dream these days.

So I’m thinking the trick is to have doable goals. Like instead of saying “I’m gonna lose 40 pounds and run a 6 minute mile and wear a size 2 and look JUST LIKE JESSICA ALBA” it should be more like “I’m gonna not eat those cookies and have an apple instead” and “I think I’ll go jogging for 30 minutes today”. 

I have 30 minutes for jogging, dear sweet internet. If I have 4 hours for you per day, I have 30 minutes for jogging.

So there that is. I feel like I could do this. I’ve recently made other significant changes in my life that have required discipline, so I can do this too, right? I can get back to a place where I feel good about myself- and stay that way. No more whispering behind closed doors, the secret is out. Weight gain sucks, and weight loss is hard. And yeah, I’m self conscious. And yeah, I wanna lose weight, okay?! There, I said it!! 

Here I am, on my limb. It’s lonely out here! Why don’t you help a sister out? If you know what I’m talkin ‘bout, leave a comment! Holler at your girl!

perhaps it's time for a change.

ugh. maybe it's time for a new name. i love "making lemonade", i really do. and i think it fits in well with my life- i like to be positive about things.

but i've made a recent discovery;

IT'S HARD TO BE POSITIVE ALL THE TIME.

and rather annoying for the people around you.

stefanie often reminds me of just how obnoxious it is that i'm always trying to be a cheerleader. it reminds me of a line from the TV show Scrubs. "LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS!"

well darn it if i don't wanna feel angry tonight. it's been a summer of broken promises. another dog, a vacation to hilton head, a visit to the farm, a hilton head vacation replacement trip to florida, and a place to live at school had all been promises made. all bets off, all promises broken.

no 'nother dog. no vacations, anywhere. not even a weekend at the farm. no place to live.

well, that's a lie. sweet and wonderful paige might give up her single room in the sorority house, but i would hate to see her have to do that. plus, the idea of being back in the house freaks me out a lil bit.

BUT it doesn't freak me out more than living all alone in a sketchy tulsa apartment 15 minutes away from campus, that's for darn sure!

i also promised myself i'd save more money, run in a race, make all a's and lose 20 pounds.

i was supposed to return to tulsa in shape lookin' fab with a great GPA and money to spend!

...i don't even wanna talk about it.

anyway, this is still "making lemonade" because even though i feel crappy about this summer and all its broken promises i know God will provide. i know i'll have a (safe) place to live, i'll save a lil more and run a lil more and it won't be the end of the world that i don't get a vacation or another dog.

so this is me, feeling sad. "feeling my feelings" if you will. here- have a picture of my monogrammed purse to feel better.

ahhh, see? i'm feeling better already.

because if i'm gonna be a homeless bag lady at least i'll have cute bags.

no scars on my wedding day

this weekend in tulsa i went for a run around campus. it has expanded since i've last been there, so i wanted to check out the improvements. i jogged up to the new corner where TU has bought another block of property, but somehow ended up in a residential neighborhood.

the area around campus is not the safest place to be, to say the least.

as i jogged a car slowed down and stopped in front of me. the man driving rolled down his window. he leaned out.

"excuse me, do you know where rogers high school is?"

"i really don't, i'm from st. louis. i'm sorry!" i stopped running and bent over to see there was a family in the car with him.

the man started laughing. "we're from st. louis too!" he smiled.

we talked for a little bit longer, i wished them luck finding rogers high school and they drove off. i continued to run.

only a few paces away i spotted him. he was across the street. it was a full grown male pitbull, no collar. his coloring and demeanor are represented well in the picture below;

he stopped what he was doing and looked up at me. his face was unfriendly. he crouched down, barring his teeth.

i froze dead in my tracks and stood very still. i felt if i continued to run he would certainly chase me.

he started moving, still crouched and now growling, toward me.

in about 2.5 seconds there were several thoughts going through my head;

-don't move, he will chase you

-don't try and be friendly, he probably won't know that's what you're trying to do

-this dog is about to attack me.

-okay hannah, when he bites you, it's going to hurt. just prepare now.

-don't let the fear take over you now, he will sense that.

-i don't want scars on my face on my wedding day, so when he bites i need to put my arms over my face.

-this dog has the capability of killing me.

he crept closer, his muscular body quivering. i was facing a very angry, dog. literally born and bred to fight. all i could think about was the pain i would soon feel. it's going to hurt, hannah. it's going to hurt a lot. just scream for help as loud as you can.

all of the sudden the car full of the st. louis family came screeching backwards down the street, honking. the dog looked up and saw the car rocketing right toward where he was, and zipped out of the way.

"let us take you somewhere safe!" the man driving the car yelled.

i ran over to the passenger side and hustled into the seat, next to his wife. we sped off, leaving the dog growling in the street.

it was only a few blocks to campus, and they let me out. i was still in shock, shaking. i couldn't get anything out besides "thank you, thank you!" over and over again.

"i think you'll be okay now", the man said as he pulled over.

"you don't know how much i appreciate this" i said, voice quivering.

"us saint louis folk gotta stick together" he said. "you gonna be okay?"

i looked around, the dog was out of sight. i was back on campus, close to other people walking and jogging around. i was okay, and i told them. they just smiled and drove off.

i ran back home, checking behind me for the dog every few steps. he never showed up.

thank the Lord for those people, i wish i had the sense to ask them their names so i could find them and properly thank them.

i have no doubt if they hadn't seen me from down the street and sped to my rescue i would have been mauled by this dog. it's quite possible they saved my life.

thank you, guardian angels!

matchmaker matchmaker make Gayle a match

i hope that when you think of “making lemonade” you don’t think i mean i view my life as sour or unfair. i don’t, at all. just the opposite, in fact. “making lemonade” is all about having a joyful, healthy, positive outlook on life. creating your own happiness. adding sugar to each day.

a great example of making lemonade is Gayle Birdsong, a church member recently diagnosed with a stage four brain tumor.

when you talk to Gayle, she is nothing if not positive. “oh Lisa, you just wouldn’t believe the blessings that have already come from this!” she told my mom on the phone last week in her usual cheery voice.

she has 2 girls, one just turned 16 and one is a nurse at MO BAP, whose father -in a terrible twist of irony- died of the same exact brain tumor when she was only 15. (how’s that for perspective?)

“no one has survived this diagnosis yet”, her oldest daughter said, “but i wouldn’t put it past my mother to be the first.”

in true Gayle Birdsong fashion she has already formed a plan for beating this monster growing in her brain. a chain of “prayer warriors” are assembling now to pray everyday at the same time (when she has radiation treatments) that the tumor gets blasted from her skull. the key to success is that radiation has to match up perfectly with the tumor, so Gayle is asking people to sing “matchmaker, matchmaker” for her. this woman has got the whole “sugar” thing DOWN.

if you're truly going to pray, i would encourage you to do so for her. and hum matchmaker. and smile, because Gayle is smiling.

to make lemonade. to find what gives you joy, what makes you happy. to try and find the good in people, the good in situations, the good in life. and when there is no good- when there are just lemons, add your own sugar. and smile.

...PBA continued

continued from here

...if it was possible, my face was getting even more red. i stumbled over my words. "uh, was there, i guess, i mean..." he cut me off.

"what's your last name?"

i told him.

"okay", he said in a confident, matter-of-fact tone.

"i'll find you."

i looked blankly at him wondering what cheap novel i'd fallen into. he moved to the left and let me by. i headed toward the stairs and gave him one last sideways glance before shaking my head at what just happened and heading down toward the check out. he looked back at me and smiled.

i'll find you? I'LL FIND YOU?! is that weird to anyone else?? the way he said it wasn't at all creepy- but retelling the story to steffie on the way to tulsa this weekend i've decided it's either really confident-cute or i should watch for a tall boy outside my window at night.

i can only assume what he meant by "i'll find you" was on the internet- facebook, mainly. which is kind of lame, but is at the same time somewhat legit. HOWEVER, since this run in with Will, whose last name i DIDN'T ask cause i was RETARDED with SHOCK AND AWE there have been no friend requests from any one boy named Will.

i don't think he knew at the time when he asked my name that both my first and last name are extremely common. so he probably found 800 possible me's and gave up.

sigh. oh well, it was a good story and it kind of set the tone for the rest of the weekend...do i have stories for you. oh the stories.

for now i'm going to enjoy girls night. we're doing a spa theme with a good girly movie. yay!