making lemonade: reason #72 to get boyfriend

but first, a haiku:

there is a creature

wriggling, stuck, in my chimney

I'm freaked

Seriously, sometimes I get all "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR" and go on about "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a net", etc, but really I'm all talk. Although I think women are highly capable and can do anything a man does, and do it better if she wishes, there IS NOT ONE WOMAN IN MY LIFE who wants to come over right now and deal with the ANIMAL CRAWLING AROUND IN MY CHIMNEY.

I'm not even really sure how he got in there, because our chimney is BROKEN...all I know is I was dancing to "single ladies" in my living room (ehem, don't judge) and closed the glass doors to the fireplace cause it was cold. And then I left and sat in my bed and made a hair appointment and balanced my checkbook (my life is extremely exciting) and HEARD the poor creature SCRATCHING and FROLICKING ABOUT. When I tiptoed out to sneak a glance, the fireplace doors were not as closed as I had left them. In fact, some might call them "open". Just a crack though, not big enough for anything besides a small fly to escape. I slammed them shut and promptly ran away.

After finding a flashlight and my courage, both hidden in the mudroom, I tried in vain to find the little sucker, whatever he is (squirrel?). He hid himself somewhere in that chimney where I can't see, and homegirl is NOT ABOUT to poke her head in the fireplace and figure it out, lest the little bugger attack and scratch at my eyeballs.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Does this fall under something my landlord takes care of? Pest control? How much is that going to cost? Suddenly I contemplate letting him die in there and figuring out a good way to control the odor. This is what they call a "bad plan".

Truthfully, I am happy as a 20 something single, livin' in midtown, bookin' hair appointments and balancing my checkbook (ps- I do more than that, I promise, I'm being exceptionally lazy today) but when situations like this arise all I want to do is phone my man, play damsel in distress for an hour or so while the creature is extracted, and then go back to being a strong independent leading lady who ain't be needing no net.

Alas, I have no man to call, no knight to my damsel. I better get on it, cause that critter can only go so long without food and water. I figure I've got three days to procure a boyfriend and then have him come remedy the situation before the varmint croaks in there and proceeds to stink up the living room.

Good thing I booked that hair appointment.