making lemonade

Cynthia-Inspired Prose, or, What I've Been Doing That's Not Studying

Suddenly I'm horrified the think about the things I've written for all the internet to see. I'm not that good-- why would I want to put myself out there like that? Allow for people who don't know or like me to read about what thoughts cavort around in my pretty little head?

I've been absent from blogworld for a while now, which probably means I'm on nobody's reader anymore (and that's okay!) I just feel tonight like reaching out for something, not sure what.

When I first started this blog I was living in a different city, struggling for a way to find happiness in a situation I wasn't thrilled with. Hence the title, go figure.

Now my position on the matter has changed. I'm completely happy with my life. I adore my fabulous friends, where I live, my school, my major, my plans for the future. I don't have any lemons.

I also don't have a boyfriend.

This is okay with me. I have not been looking for one actively, but that's not to say that when one potential comes around I don't give him the time of day. I do. And that is what I'm thinking most about these days.

I love life as a 20 something. Especially single 20 somethings. We're a fine bunch, us young adults. We've got no strings attached, we see nothing but a sea of possibility before our very eyes, we're constantly changing it up-- if for no other reason than just because we can. It keeps things moving, interesting. It keeps us on our toes. It allows for introspection. Who am I, anyway? Etc.

Truly, being single is easier than being in the process of a relationship of any kind. It doesn't matter what any one else wants to do for dinner, or what movie they want to see, or what brand of milk they want to buy. You are the only one who matters. You you you. Me me me. Singleness allows for complete selfishness.

Think about how hard dating is. If you actually successfully meet someone, whether it's through a friend, through a bar, or through a website, you've clearly gotten to the point where they have a way of communicating with you and have communicated that they would like to spend more time with you.

This is where the real fun begins.

Where will you go, what will you do? How should you dress? What if you overdress? What if you underdress? Which is worse? Will you meet there? Will you run out of things to say? Will you spill water all over yourself? Should you drink? How much? Should you let him pay? Should you pretend to fight him to pay? Will he walk you to the door? Will he kiss you goodnight? How long is normal until he calls? Should you call? Should you text? What should you say?

See? Just writing that was exhausting. I need a quick nap and a Valium.

That's better.

Dating is such and awkward social interaction. It's supposed to be rude to judge people on the way the look, the way they dress, etc. But it becomes socially acceptable when you're trying to figure out whether or not you'd like a second date. Are you attracted to them? You are, but you abhor his shoes. But those are easily replaced. Judgements are to be made left and right. Do you like his answer about religion? Music? Books? And while you're doing all this judging on him, you must keep in mind that he's doing the same thing to you. Does he like your answers? What about those boots your wearing?

Maybe he's thinking they need to come off, along with your sweater, skirt and pantyhose, as soon as possible. Check, please?

Maybe he's thinking they need to come off, but not at a time or place where he will see what's under them because he's so grossed out by you already that he's certain you have big hairy man feet and yellow toenails. 

Only time will tell, time you will spend anxiously checking your phone. Email. Facebook. It's just like what Drew Barrymore's character said in He's Just Not That Into You...

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

Amen, sister.

So, dating. It's hard. It's anxiety-producing. But it's oh so fun to read about, and even more fun to write about. For that reason I wish I had an anonymous blog where I could give the guys I date silly names and write about them in a way I wouldn't be embarrassed to if I hadn't identified myself as, well, myself on here. For now, that above is my word vomit on dating. Maybe for fun in the future I will begin to write a blog where nobody knows it's me, and I'll spill everything. For now, I'm going to change my boots, just in case.

flight

it's happening to me.

i can feel the inbetween-ness taking over.

i am months away from making my debut to the world as a full-fledged degree-wielding human being. i live in this place of vacillating feelings between adulthood and adolescence. i live in a house with college graduates that have full time jobs and are responsible for themselves. and although i am the one writing the rent checks and calling the plumber, i still callmy mom when i need to buy hair spray or a jump drive to ask permission.

i can remember the confusion of life as a freshman. and even though my freshman year feels like a distant memory now,  i remember being there. i remember sitting on the steps of the library in the darkness of the early morning with my shoes off, just so i could feel the cold air burn my fingers and toes. i know now i wasn't ready for college at 18.

i'm a late bloomer, which is okay, it's fine. my college experience is one of those things that people say this to:

i wish i could go back and redo it differently, but i know that if it hadn't of happened this way i wouldn't be where i am today.

blah. sigh. we know.

i like where i am today. i do. but- i sense i will not be here much longer. life is an adventure, and the wilderness is calling my name. i don't know yet where i'm going, but the feeling of excitement i have when i think about life beyond these university walls makes me know i'm getting ready to go. it's like that feeling you get right before you dive off the high dive.

i'm almost ready to jump.

they don't even know.

some days are just bad. for no reason at all, or maybe lotsa reasons, once and a while you just have a bad day.

and darn it all if today wasn't just that day for me.

i lost one of my textbooks and had to go to class unprepared. i was super exhausted and i don't know why. i ate nothing but crap all day, and i wasted 4 hours watching TV and laying in bed when i had ONE THOUSAND things i needed to be doing.

FINALLY around 8pm i got my rear out of the house to grab a double shot of espresso and get to Tri Delta to do homework and have bible study. on my way to get a coffee i prayed to God about my day. i told Him how i felt slothful and gluttonous. i felt bad about myself. i felt fat and lazy.

after some french homework in the dining room it was time for our 9:10 bible study. it went really well, and i was already feeling better about my day. afterwards a couple of us were hanging out in the living room talking.

"you have a really nice body", said Samira, totally randomly.

"what the heck do you mean?!" i snorted back.  i've long reconciled myself to the fact that i do NOT have what most people would call a "nice body". i'm fluffy and jiggly. and on top of that i had eaten NOTHING but crap all day. i was fat and lazy! fat and lazy people don't have nice bodies!

Samira continued, ignoring my opposition. "i mean, you just do. you have a nice body. good proportions." 

not 10 minutes later i was talking with some more sisters in one of their suites.

allie came rushing in, "i have to go to the library, who wants to come?" she asked.

thank goodness she had said something, cause i had forgotten to print things off for a meeting tomorrow.

"i'll go!" i chimed, and together we left for McFarlin.

"what are you printing?" she asked me on the way there. i told her; agendas, a constitution for an organization i'm in, applications for membership, etc.

"YOU'RE SO INVOLVED HANNAH MILLER" she practically yelled it to me in true allie fashion.

and there, at Tri Delta, within only an hour of being there, my sisters turned my day completely around. i literally had felt fat and lazy. i felt horrible about myself for the choices i made today. BUT, my sisters were there to remind me that today is not every day, and they commented on the two EXACT emotions i had been feeling. i packed up my books from the dining room and as i left 6 girls wished me goodnight by name.

i left the house walking on air. i feel so loved, appreciated, welcomed there. those girls lift me up. they make me feel good about myself. i am incredibly blessed to have those amazing girls in my life.

they just don't even know how much they mean to me.

not ready for the set up

updates:

-alaska was PHENOMENAL, i will be returning.
-recruitment went splendidly. i'm more in love with tri delta than ever before.
-classes are going well, chugging along nicely into the semester. it won't be easy, but it won't be boring.

millers are late bloomers, we've decided. i'm hitting my stride about now-- as a 5th year senior, but it was worth the wait. i'm finding my place in the world, making plans for the future, thinking about my next new adventure, the people i'll meet, the places i'll be. i'm incredibly blessed to be back here again. the fall gives me a new sense of hope for each academic year. and while i don't want to leave, i anxiously await the time when i take off on my own for the next big adventure.

sometimes, when i'm riding my bike to campus, i just smile to myself and think of this quote:

"...it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment."

God has created such a beautiful world for us.  It makes my heart fill with joy.

i dunno but alaksa

pretty soon i'll be here:

trying to avoid running into these:

doing things like this:

while looking at this:

yay!

and Victor smiles still

Characters:  Myself, Victor (15), Brian (8), Volunteer (25)

Setting: Homeless shelter "Summer Kids" program.

Victor has always been a little off. He's 15, but he doesn't really act like it. He never wants to be too involved in any of the games we play, or crafts we do. He's interesting. He can be very sweet. He can be very rude, as well.

Him and his little brother and sister have been coming to the Summer Kids program all summer.

They are homeless.

All summer, Victor would get into trouble for doing things like throwing toys against the wall, but when you scold him he would just smile really big and say something like "oh, I'm in trouble?  I shouldn't do that?", and not in a sarcastic way, more like he just forgot that throwing toys against the wall was not allowed.

Finally, I got him to sit down and build a marble maze with me.  When we finished he wanted to show another volunteer what he had built. He kept trying to get her attention, so I told him, "Victor, you know her name!" He told me he forgot.  "Well, read her name tag".  At that point he turned to his little brother, who is 8, and goes "tell her. Tell her, Brian."

"Victors brain is messed up",  Brian said.

 "No it's not, Brian, that's not nice to say", one of the volunteers had overheard him. But Brian continued. All he had to say was 2 words.

 "his dad..." I couldn't even bring myself to listen. I knew what he was going to say.

Victor doesn't have a genetic disease. He wasn't born a mentally handicapped kid. No cerebral palsy, no down syndrome.  He was a perfect little baby. Normal. Maybe he was destined to be a genius. But he was abused as a kid, and now his brain is scrambled eggs.

I looked over at Victor and he was just sitting there smiling that big goofy smile, God love him. I walked into the employee lounge and cried.  He was FINE as a baby, totally normal, until his dad threw him against the wall for crying. That idiot (read: f*ckhead) messed up this kid's whole life because he couldn't control his temper.

Victor is 15. He can barely read. He has no fine motor control. He has limited social skills. He probably won't even be able to graduate high school. 

But the kid has a great big smile.

After I finished crying in the closet I came back out and pulled out Pictionary, and Victor and I practiced writing the different words from the game cards on pieces of paper, and they drawing a picture to go with them. I'm not an education major, so I don't know if our little activity helped him at all, but I figured at the very least it worked on his fine motor skills.

And I think he enjoyed our 1 on 1 time, because he was smiling that big goofy smile.

400 miles

truth be told i don't hate making the long trip home for the weekend. granted it goes much more quickly with a companion, but i find ways to make the trip go faster. i catch up on phone calls from long distance friends, i sing loudly and freely to pocahontas songs, i usually by a new album off itunes and jam to some new music. sometimes genius ideas are born while i'm on the road (that's when i thought up "hostessing" for COB events-- yes i know that was a lot of alphabet soup for most of you but my tri delta girls will get it!). my new favorite thing to do is get my hands on an audiobook and listen to some new york times best sellers.

on my last trip home i "read" The Shack by William Young. it was excellent.

i've simplified my life this summer, due to a couple things.  my college friends have mostly graduated and scattered about the US-- new mexico, texas, florida, south dakota, missouri, new york, ireland. okay, ireland is not in the US. you know what i mean.  my roommates both have boyfriends to visit and families in town to bother. therefore i am left all to my lonesome for entertainment very often, something that has NEVER happened to me since i've been living in the sorority house or with my parents.

another thing that contribues to the lonesomeness is the lack of TV. we HAVE a TV, but refuse to pay for a converter box for digital televison (because we want to get cable sometime, and the cable here is already set up with the digital shenanigans.) so therefore we get NO channels. when all the celebs were dying i felt really out of touch. also, iran- yo, what's going on? I NEED MSNBC PLEASE. i am out of touch.

the upside to all of this is that i've become more independant and into nature. i've gone kayaking, i hike (most of the time it's by myself!) i've been to the pool by myself too, and it wasn't so bad. these things you get used to when all your friends have lives and you lack one.

one of the things i've found a lot of joy in is going to the library. not just the school library, either- the tulsa public library. i probably go twice a week. i enjoy perusing the books and DVDs, i've used it a ton for my children's literature class, and most recently i've borrowed some audiobooks to listen to on the way home this weekend! (you were waiting for the connection, right?)

so this weekend i've borrowed a book about climbing the worlds 14 tallest peaks (journey to the top, maybe? i put them in the car already-- trying to be on top of things!) and Oscar Wilde's, Lady Windermere's Fan because i'm a dork and am trying to be all literary savvy. and let me tell you, people, you cannot be literarily savvy without knowing the work of Oscar Wilde. 

you just can't.

a blue true dream of sky

All day, I’ve seen nothing but God’s goodness. I got up early to a beautiful Sunday, and spent it on the water, kayaking with a good friend.

12 miles of sunshine and fresh air and I returned to my home anxious, heart pounding, yearning for something. I decided I was homesick. I decided to go to the 6pm church service.

When I got there the “6pm” service had been moved to 5pm without my knowledge. This simple miscommunication sent me back to that place I had driven to church to escape. “Why am I feeling this way?” I asked myself as I dragged myself, unnecessarily heartbroken, back to my car. “I’ve had a wonderful day, why should I feel so depressed and upset?”.

I decided my answer would come in a book. I went to Borders.

I looked at photography books. A book about climbing fourteeners in Colorado. A book on dream interpretations.

I walked out of Borders with no sense of direction left. I decided I was hungry. I decided to return home.

The kitchen was being used.  Now, having failed at church and at Borders, I wandered around my house for a while still lacking direction. I read a couple blogs. I looked into my old files on my computer. When the kitchen was free I started dinner. I poured myself a glass of V8 and found myself back outside, on my deck, with The Tipping Point.

But I was distracted. Still confused by these feelings that are tearing me up in the inside. Why do I feel so lost? Alone? Confused? I feel at any moment I will either cry or panic.  I looked at my book.

I then realized what my problem could be. I was reading the wrong book.

I went to my shelf in the mudroom, found the book I needed, and returned outside.

Before I even opened it, I felt relief.

“I thank you God for this most amazing day; for the leaping greenly spirit of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes.”

The book I chose, if you haven’t guessed, was this one.

here is what i'm doing

i'm at work, but i forgot my glasses. i don't like to squint. it's annoying. this is my excuse for not doing data input.

data input.  gah. i'm glad i only work here one more confounded saturday and then i am free.

broke, but free.

but i'm broke anyway because they STILL HAVEN'T PAID ME. i've got an issue with this. a big one.

however, a student did bring krispy kremes in today, and offered me some. i took one (hello! i'm not getting a paycheck, i should at least get a doughnut!) and he was adiment that i take more than one! god love those international students. thanks for the doughnut, fatih!

i love doughnuts.

tomorrow i'm going KAYAKING with my super friend nikki dale. it will be super fun. i'm super excited. and i am going to wear my super ugly shoes. super.

mine are blue though. makes them waaaaay better. i hate purple.

okay i don't HATE purple. but it's my LEAST favorite.

today i'm going to watch some baseball...and then some live music. OH- and i'm going to play with an albino german shepard puppy. here is what he looks like:

you're super jealous, i know! his name is GUNNER. i yub him already.

also, i'm obsessed with these SWEET ANGELS:

they have FRECKLES. i have freckles too. "angel kisses", my mother used to call them.

i'd give THOSE angels some BID SISSES!

hello, gorgeous:

you beautiful, beautiful man you. these are english setters. i YUB dem.

so far this week i have offered to kidna... i mean "dog sit" THREE different dogs; a labradoodle, a setter like mister man here pictured above, and the albino pup. no takers though. huh, wonder why.

perhaps because they know that when i say "dog sit" i mean "take home and keep forever".

i wonder how my roommates would feel about this.

SURPRISE! i brought home a sweet angel yine with FRECKLES!  can we keep him?

summer is...

laying by the pool
freckles
the smell of sunscreen
a coke
a book
a white line on my write where my watch resides
flip flops
tousled blond hair
104 degrees

summer is here :)